If I had to use 1 word to describe my most common feeling in the past 4 months, it would be guilt.
I feel guilt If I don't have dinner ready at "dinner time". I feel guilt spending time away from the kids to write. I feel guilt if I am a "bad blogger" and don't write for a few days. I feel guilt every time I walk into our bedroom and see the complete destruction.
After hearing Jon Acuff speak in the opening session of BlissDom, I realized why I am feeling all this guilt.
My priorities are out of order.
I was a little embarrassed when my eyes welled up, since he obviously was shining a spotlight my direction and speaking directly to me.
Since having Callan, I'm finding it straight up impossible to do everything. I have to choose what is the most important and frankly, I've been choosing wrong.
Just before I left on my trip, Cooper started telling me "no, not one more minute, Momma!" Breaks my heart to even type that out. He realized my priorities were wrong even before I did. And that, is ridiculously painful.
Now, being a mother doesn't mean that 100% of my time must be completely devoted to the kids. I am a wife that loves to write, cook and craft. I am an individual that has dreams and goals. The struggle is finding balance.
It's not fair to my children to be given half of my attention, while the other half tweets on about meaningless nonsense that definitely makes no difference in the span of life. I'm sure I wouldn't be guilt laden if I spent more completely dedicated time with them.
If I, as Jon told us, would hang up and arrive.
If I would play with them strictly for fun, without thinking about how it would make a great blog post. Or how the world would just love this instagram shot.
Because my kids need to be my kids. Not my content.
Jon told us to be selfish with time no one else is using. That time may be 5am. Bleh. Or maybe for me, afternoon time that the kids spend with daddy. It means prioritizing what I want to get done on the computer. It means less tweeting, less Facebook browsing, less pinning.
I know this won't be an overnight change. I know I'm human and will never be perfect, but I am making a conscious decision to be present. To enjoy this time of my life with my kids and to not look back and realize I've wasted time on things that just don't matter.
If you want to know more about Jon and his book, Quitter, go check out his blog. Trust me, you won't be sorry!